He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
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My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Who says great literature is dead?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.