He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
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My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Twitter fine art
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.