He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now