@CherBear162

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

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@SanuTweetsU

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

@ikpsgill1

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

@d_whitehouse

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

@bartandsoul

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

@DadandBuried

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

@KentWGraham

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

@KalvinMacleod

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

@murrman5

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”