“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.