He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
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Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.