He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed