@amitanatverlal

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

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@SardonicTart

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

@DanHofer

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

@TwiceTheHops

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

@ericsshadow

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

@_sinistroll

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

@CyborgHanky

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

@xoMISSYox

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

@InternetHippo

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist