@amitanatverlal
@SardonicTart I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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@SardonicTart 
@DanHofer I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
@TwiceTheHops Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
@sacha_is_good “If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@ericsshadow My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
@_sinistroll WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
@CyborgHanky I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
@xoMISSYox I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
@Desert_Musings I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
@InternetHippo Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
