He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
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Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
9 circles of hell in this economy?
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.