he chose this
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I’m already scared
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.