He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake