He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”