He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The news in a nutshell.