“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
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E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
it’s the silliest best thing
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied