He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Me, in DM rooms…
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
No, he would not have.