He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go