He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You Might Also Like
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Smile they said.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk