He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
i smell a pulitzer
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.