He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
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If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally