He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
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When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
reduce, reuse, recycle
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream