He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
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Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
not to brag, but mine was free
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”