He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!