He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.