He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?