Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Nice try, NASA

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.