He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
also my go-to takeaway order
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb