Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

honestly, i need both:

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.