“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
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I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.