“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
thanksgiving should be called feaster
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.