He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day