He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that