He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
all bases covered
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Planet of the Apps.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet