he looks great for his age
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”