“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history