‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…