he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally