*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/