He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
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Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us
*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Me: But Aenid you
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
“That’s not a log.”