He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂