He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*aggressively waits in line*
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.