[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
that lip filler tho
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.