He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?