He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.