He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

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Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW


Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.


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Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
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Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.


When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
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On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system