@emptyheadtwo

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

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@funflaps

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

@LnL245

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

@lmegordon

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

@girlontapas

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

@whatthebasit

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

@OrvllShrednbchr

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

@online_shawn

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system