He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.