He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
⛄️
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do