He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.