He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
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You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn鈥檛 just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i鈥檓 arriving
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma鈥檚, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”