Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that