He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Same pineapple, same
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡