He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
absolutely not
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.