He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
<—- homeless romantic
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.