He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Favourite diary entry ever
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?