He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”