Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers

Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

🤣🤣

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day